I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them