Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You Might Also Like
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Basketball games are very squeaky.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies