Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I identify as an antique shop.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*