Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I’ve had relationships like this
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.