I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again