Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan