bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch