“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.