The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room