ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit