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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!