My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
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My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
hmm conte-me mais
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Gemma Correll
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.