I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Wait a minute
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Covid like
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Had to try this trend 😊
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.