I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok