Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You Might Also Like
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Gods work.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Terribly Tuesday.