Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*