I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
You Might Also Like
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
need him
Bringing home a sharpie
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.