[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
The options really are this bad
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.