My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
You Might Also Like
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
This line from Airplane.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Krampus.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
THIS HEADLINE