me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
She: I like Cats
He:
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
my name if I was in the mob
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?