Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
PARKOUR
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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