A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
You Might Also Like
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
a public service announcement
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.