STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL