30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Self-cleaning conscience
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?