19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
They did not miss in the small print
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.