She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The pasta is now
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.