I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape