I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed