He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles