Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”