Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
You Might Also Like
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“What?”
– Jude
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Classic German Shepherd 😂