If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
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today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.