My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
You Might Also Like
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’m Sold!
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”