People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Finally!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.