looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
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With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.