Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat