my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Perfect.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
accurate
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO