I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.