Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Cheers Twitter.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.