My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it