The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.