Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*seductively eats two tums*
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY