My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Strangers have the best candy.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”