Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.