nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.