me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.