I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Only Americans understand
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.