What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Who’s your best friend?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”