[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.