I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
When I said I liked it rough.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money